condom - protection against viruses and prevention of child processes
Contents
Bugs
condom is NOT 100% effective at preventing a child process from being forked or at deterring the invasion
of a virus (although the System Administrator General has deemed that condom is the most effective means
of preventing the spread of system transmitted viruses). See celibacy(1) for information on a 100%
effective program for preventing these problems.
Remember, the use of sex(1) and other related routines should only occur between mature, consenting
processes. If you must use sex(1), please employ condom to protect your process and your synchronous
process. If we are all responsible, we can stop the spread of STVs.
Description
condom provides protection against System Transmitted Viruses (STVs) that may invade your system.
Although the spread of such viruses across a network can only be abated by aware and cautious users,
condom is the only highly effective means of preventing viruses from entering your system (see
celibacy(1)). Any data passed to condom by the protected process will be blocked, as specified by the
value of the -s option (see OPTIONS below). condom is known to defend against the following viruses and
other malicious afflictions:
• AIDS
• Herpes Simplex (genital varieties)
• Syphilis
• Crabs
• Genital warts
• Gonhorrea
• Chlamydia
• Michelangelo
• Jerusalem
When used alone or in conjunction with pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and/or setiud(3), condom also
prevents the conception of a child process. If invoked from within a synchronous process, condom has, by
default, an 80% chance of preventing the external processes from becoming parent processes (see the -s
option below). When other process contraceptives are used, the chance of preventing a child process from
being forked becomes much greater. See pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) for more information.
If no options are given, the current user's login process (as determined by the environment variable
USER) is protected with a Trojan rough-cut latex condom without a reservoir tip. The optional
``processid'' argument is an integer specifying the process to protect.
NOTE: condom may only be used with a hard disk. condom will terminate abnormally with exit code -1 if
used with a floppy disk (see DIAGNOSTICS below).
Diagnostics
condom terminates with one of the following exit codes:
-1 An attempt was made to use condom on a floppy disk.
0 condom exited successfully (no data was passed to the synchronous process).
1 condom failed and data was allowed through. The danger of transmission of an STV or the forking
of a child process is inversely proportional to the number of other protections employed and is
directly proportional to the ages of the processes involved.
Name
condom - protection against viruses and prevention of child processes
Options
The following options may be given to condom:
-bbrandbrands are as follows:
trojan (default)
ramses
sheik
goldcoin
fourex
-mmaterial
The valid materials are:
latex (default)
saranwrap
membrane
WARNING! The membrane option is not endorsed by the System Administrator General as an
effective barrier against certain viruses. It is supported only for the sake of
tradition.
-fflavor
The following flavors are currently supported:
plain (default)
apple
banana
cherry
cinnamon
licorice
orange
peppermint
raspberry
spearmint
strawberry
-r Toggle reservoir tip (default is no reservoir tip)
-sstrengthstrength is an integer between 20 and 100 specifying the resilience of condom against data passed
to condom by the protected process. Using a larger value of strength increases condom's
protective abilities, but also reduces interprocess communication. A smaller value of strength
increases interprocess communication, but also increases the likelihood of a security breach. An
extremely vigorous process or one passing an enormous amount of data to condom will increase the
chance of condom's failure. The default strength is 80%.
-ttexture
Valid textures are:
rough (default)
ribbed
bumps
lubricated
(provides smoother interaction between processes)
WARNING: The use of an external application to condom in order to reduce friction between processes has
been proven in benchmark tests to decrease condom's strength factor! If execution speed is important to
your process, use the ``-tlubricated'' option.
See Also
celibacy(1), sex(1), pill(1), sponge(1), foam(1), and setiud(3) EUNUCH Programmer's Manual CONDOM(1fun)
Synopsis
condom [options] [processid]
